The Lazy Sunbathers

(image from here)
Last season we got through the group stage with ten points - 2 wins and 4 draws.
Here's a couple of comments from today's match reports - first off Ian Ladyman in The Mail:

At 0-0 with 13 minutes to go, some very obvious headlines were already being written. With Cristiano Ronaldo scoring twice in Real Madrid's 5-2 rout of FC Zurich and United looking toothless against modest opposition, the damage caused by the Portugal winger's departure looked obvious.

James Ducker in The Times:

Ferguson’s men lacked inspiration and there was a certain irony when the Real Madrid score flashed up on the giant television screen shortly before the half-hour mark to reveal that Cristiano Ronaldo had put the Spanish club in front against FC Zurich. How United could have done with their former player’s majesty in those tentative early exchanges.

It's all very clever, making reference to a scoreboard and another game in your match-report - you can watch a game of football and look at something else at the same time, wow. But all cleverness is pretty much cancelled out when the point you make is both a tired cliche and hopelessly wrong. Ian Ladyman even says its "obvious." Yes, it is obvious, you make reference to Ronaldo in every single report you write about us, you're not auditioning for some Fast Show remake, with the catchphrase "They're missing Ronaldo," being used in every conceivable situation. In fact, that might be funny, putting this dull football cliche into non-football situations, it's possible. However, using it in exactly the same context every single time you ever write something about Man United is just dull, tired, lazy, and stupid. Please stop.
Instead of quoting anything from their reports, I'll paraphrase them:

Huh, Man United won by a measly one goal. Hurrumph. They couldn't beat Barcelona in the final last year though could they? EH? And Madrid beat the mighty Zurich scoring 5 goals! Amazing. Whine, Rooney temper, whine, cliche, whine... repeat until word count is up - please send me to watch the beautiful Arsenal next time...

However, the most nonsensical use of Ronaldo comes at the end of Neil Custis' "report" in The Sun:

United have now not been beaten away from home in Europe since they lost the 2007 semi-final to AC Milan.

They have lost only once in 26 matches in the competition.

That, of course, came last May in the final to Barcelona.

The defeat was Ronaldo's last game before he left for Madrid.

Life would go on without him at United, we were told.

The goals gap would be filled and the team would become a more compact outfit.

You cannot argue with a win and the display was solid.

We are just waiting for the sparkle - and wondering if Ronaldo took it all with him.

He starts noting that Ronaldo's last game was the defeat to Barcelona, he finishes asking where the spark that Ronaldo gave us has gone. Is he suggesting we sparkled against Barcelona? I'm assuming he isn't. If you're going to use these dull, tired, stupid, cliches at least have the decency to put some logic into them. And yes I am getting a little tired of writing about people writing about Ronaldo. They must be getting tired of writing the same old shit week in week in out, mustn't they? Please...

[has cigarette break... comes back refreshed...]

Onto the other reports. The Daily Star make copious use of "hell" metaphors, stretching it a little in calling Scholes "Devilish," but at least it shows effort (unlike certain other reports I could mention...). They single out Rooney for praise:

Rooney, who had been barged over by Tomas S­ivok in the first minute, got satisfaction when the centre-back was booked for another wild challenge on him.

Rooney was a menace throughout to the Turks. His short pass gave Michael Carrick the chance to hit a 25-yard shot that was well saved by ­Arikan, while Valencia couldn’t quite direct his header from a Rooney cross on target.

Daniel Taylor in The Guardian gives us due credit:

Sometimes in football there is nothing quite like the sound of silence. For several hours last night, before and after kick-off, the stadium was a shrieking, whistling, fire-cracking, seething pit. But then, with 13 minutes remaining,Manchester United struck. Paul Scholes looped in an expertly taken header and suddenly the unrelenting din made way for a moment of complete quiet. It was almost spooky.

The goal had taken a long time to arrive but was thoroughly deserved after a hugely satisfying evening for Sir Alex Ferguson's players in which they demonstrated why they have not lost an away tie in the Champions League since going to San Siro for the semi-final against Milan in May 2007. They ought really to have won more handsomely, out-passing Besiktas for long spells but struggling to turn their superiority into goals. It has become a familiar shortcoming for the Premier League champions and with the score 0‑0 their frustration was encapsulated by Wayne Rooney's sulphurous mood when he was replaced by Michael Owen. ...

Ferguson would later talk of a "reasonably comfortable" evening, noting the fact that Besiktas were largely restricted to efforts from outside the area, not managing one on target until 10 minutes into the second half.

Mark Ogden in The Telegraph can't help himself from referring to Ronaldo, at least he manages to find another context, even if it's equally spurious:

Rooney’s fit of pique when being replaced by Michael Owen on 63 minutes, a Ronaldo-esque trudge off the pitch preceded by the throwing of his boots into the dugout, was at least borne of frustration rather than a deeper sense of dissatisfaction over his presence at United.

Deployed in the lone striker role he endures through gritted teeth, Rooney was United’s ray of hope for the majority of a frustrating game and manager Sir Alex Ferguson insisted that his reaction to being substituted was simply a mark of the player’s hunger to succeed.

This report from Ian Herbert in The Independent is OK. I'm forgiving him the Ronaldo-scoring-for Real thing, because he cancels it out with this:

none of that should take away from United's escape from a stadium which proved beyond Rafael Benitez's Liverpool two autumns back.

It's not as if the report is overly flattering to us - it gives us credit while musing on us as work-in-progress - but at least it shows some thought:

If Sir Alex Ferguson wanted a place to come to think, analyse and try out his new side on Europe then this was the last place on earth to be. The bear pit of the Inonu Stadium rocked and bounced and whistled and when none of that worked, the fans just flashed laser pens in the eyes of Ferguson's players. It was a potent sign of how every side in the world want blood when Manchester United are in town and the visitors' victory earned 13 minutes from time – Paul Scholes leaping to head home after Nani's deftly arced shot was parried into the midfielder's path – represented an admirable night's work.

The win was merited, too, but that thinking time is certainly still needed. Ferguson chopped and changed his attacking options as the night wore on and as the noise gravitated from the spectacular to the uncomfortable he was reminded of the dangers of playing Wayne Rooney alone up front.

Onto the quotes. Sir Alex:

“Being the first game you always want to win that but I was quite comfortable with the performance.

“I thought they did quite well most of the time, kept good possession. We were the better team, the concentration had to be good because it was a fantastic atmosphere and a test of the concentration and a test of the nerves.”

On Rooney:

"He is never pleased about coming off," Ferguson said. "With his energy, he wants to play all the time. But I always planned to make a change and bring on [Dimitar] Berbatov and Owen because Michael needs some more minutes on the pitch."

Ferguson said he had not seen Rooney lose his temper because he was watching the game but felt it was the right decision to replace him after a hectic period for the striker in which he played in England's games against Slovenia and Croatia. "It was always in my thoughts to freshen up a bit in attack. Wayne had played as a lone striker for an hour and it was always going to be the case that he came off."

On Valencia:

"Antonio was always a threat," said Ferguson. "He got to the by-line so many times and really we should have done better.

"He has got the potential to be a really good player. He is powerful and strong, with a lot of enthusiasm. He is very quick, with good balance and in a years' time he will have developed more parts of his game."

On the goal:

"It was a good goal because there was some good football and Paul Scholes being Paul Scholes scored us a typical goal.

"It was good to win away from home. It was a challenge here because the atmosphere was tremendous. I have never heard so much noise in a football ground.

"You have to deal with that and we showed good concentration and composure. I think in the main we have done quite well."

Gary Neville on the atmosphere:

"They create an atmosphere like no other country in Europe. If they had got a goal it would have been a really hard night for us.

"It was difficult, coming away in European football is always really hard but this result puts us in a good position."

Scholes on his goal:

“It was nice to score - any away game in the Champions League is difficult especially in Turkey. I don’t think this was our best game, but a win is a win.”

Two other stories - Vidic on Owen:

"As a defender, I can say with some certainty that it is really tough to mark Michael Owen. He's dangerous from all positions, so you always need to be focused and on your toes.

"I'm sure our fans will soon realise that as well and see the best of him. I am pleased to be on his team.

"Michael has proven his quality through the years so I don't see any reason why he shouldn't be successful. He can help us a lot, so we are all very happy to have him in our team. He is an important signing for the club.

"Manchester United has always had fantastic forwards and certainly we have such a situation in the current team as well. No matter who plays, I'm sure we will be lethal in front of goal."

And after being linked with the Thailand job, Bryan Robson is now linked with Olympiakos:

Olympiakos have expressed an interest in making Bryan Robson their new coach after sacking Temuri Ketsbaia on the eve of their Champions League opener against AZ Alkmaar.